You Next Day Delivering Arse

After finishing a hard day of staring at a screen and wondering what to write, I find myself sitting staring at a screen and wondering what to write. There’s a fleeting moment upon finishing a day at work where you’re filled with a vague sense of accomplishment mixed with relief. You think ‘I can now go home and do whatever I want.’ And then you get home and realise you have no idea what you want to do, before succumbing to the realisation that there isn’t anything to do that doesn’t involve a screen of any kind. Go on, think of something to do that doesn’t involve a screen. I’ll wait…

How many things did you think of? If you said meet up with friends, think how many people actually have friends these days. There aren’t many and those that do don’t meet up with them because they’re all looking at screens. If you said go for a walk, then I can only assume you are from the 19th century.  I live in the centre of Stevenage, there is nowhere worth walking to. Not to mention the level of homelessness seems to have risen of late and for some unfathomable reason, they all seem to think I have lots of money and will be the one to pull them up the social ladder. I don’t have any money, and the social ladder’s been locked inside a shed for some time now.

Yet still, I am bombarded with requests for loose change. If I believe the stories thrown in my direction, I do try and help. But rarely do I believe and it’s a very complicated, multi-layered issue that requires more thought than just ‘here’s 50p’. The outermost layer being the already mentioned: I have no money. I would get into some of the other layers, but better people than I have tried to solve the problem of poverty and social inequality and it’s apparently still a problem. So, like most people, I will ignore the issue altogether and focus on my own trivial existence. I’m sure it will sort itself out. Like global warming and this Syria issue.

Global catastrophe and potential war crimes aside, someone in my office ordered some new headphones today. What’s notable about this event is that he ordered them and, two hours later, they were delivered to the office. I’m not prone to over reacting, but I feel this is poultry up the anus insane.

The idea of next day delivery annoys me for a myriad of reasons, let alone same day delivery. For one, before the age of internet shopping, you could get things on the same day you bought them, it just required going to a shop. Historians reckon there used to be loads of them and archaeologists have recently uncovered what they believe to be the foundations of an old [insert defunct store here and wait for the hilarity to settle down].

Furthermore, next day delivery has led to an influx of delivery vans on the road, which we all know leads to more pollution. It has also led to the exploitation of many hard workers being paid a pittance to deliver approximately one bazillion parcels. There have been reports of drivers not being permitted bathroom breaks and being paid well under minimum wage. Which is outrageous because cumulatively, I spend at least two hours a week on the toilet and get slightly above the national average for my age, which means I’m probably earning more per hour doing a shit than a driver does delivering shit to impatient shits.

Sure, you all take to the internet to say, ‘that’s outrageous, that’s like modern slavery!’ (although it’s a difficult one to compare. On the one hand, drivers do get paid, but on the other, slaves probably got to go to the toilet when they wanted), but you’re also the first ones to be on the phone complaining that your Superman graphic novel wasn’t delivered, leading to some poor driver getting reprimanded. I fucking hate you! You next day delivering arse!

There are even apps that allow you to track your delivery in real time. Which is terrifyingly dystopian, you, watching over these poor delivery drivers to make sure they’re keeping to the exact minute promised by corporations earning billions in profits. Soon, they’ll add the option to shock your driver if you don’t think they’re going fast enough and the slowest driver of the week will be beheaded for all to see.

But you don’t care about any of this do you? As long as you get your things and get them now! You’ll be demanding your latest video game release get blasted down from space the exact second you hit order!

Why are you so desperate for your things? Even various sofa shops are doing next day delivery now. How has anyone found themselves in the position that they’re that desperate for a sofa? Even if your sofa is inexplicably stolen by the world’s most impractical thief (the resale value on a sofa can’t be worth the effort of lugging it out your living room), just sit on the floor for a couple of days.

‘It’s efficient though. It’s good to have things quick. We want the things and we want it now, it’s instant gratification, we don’t like waiting. No sooner than we get the thing delivered THE SAME DAY, we’ll be ordering the next thing. Chip chip driver, no time for sleep, I don’t care if your bladder has just exploded and your crying urine.’ That’s you that is.

Why bother waiting to order the thing? Why bother waiting until you know you even want the thing? Don’t even wait until the thing has been invented yet. Don’t wait for anything, just press the cease existing button and never wait again.emergency stop

…well that got out of hand.



It’s Hot.

It’s currently sunny and hot. I hate both those things. I don’t know why everyone’s so big on the sun, it’ll be the thing that eventually kills us all. People bemoan the rain. Claiming how it’s always raining, forgetting the fact that it’s plenty of rain that allows for production of crops and you know, all that water we like to drink – especially on hot days.

Rain is great, I love the rain, even beyond its life giving properties. Rain stays outside, it creates a nice ambience, it freshens the air. Same with cold, once you’re indoors with a jumper on, you’ll be alright. Sunlight on the other hand barges into your home uninvited and stabs you in the eyes. The heat is stifling, preventing sleep and worst of all, it brings people outside in droves.

Due to poor life choices and a job market in tatters, I currently work in a pub. It’s awful and if I’m still working there by July I’m finding a bridge to leap off of.  It’s a bank holiday weekend and it’s set to be a hot and sunny one, which means these fucking people are going to all think it’ll be a good idea to go out and get a beer and sit in the pub garden. All of them will think this, regardless of my opinions on the matter.

Then once they’re there they will think “let’s get some food” and who’s going to have to take that food out to them, burning their fingers just so they can stuff their faces? Me that’s who. Fucking sun.  some time ago it rained a lot and no one came out, I got to sit at the bar and do the crossword, it was good, I only had to cheat 3 or 4 times and the rest I texted my dad for answers.

I might not make it through till Tuesday.

I have read that this year is set to be hotter than last year, which was hotter than the year before that, which in turn was hotter before that and so on and so forth. This displeases me for a number of reasons.

A few years ago when I was still at school, global warming was mentioned everywhere. As a society we were very concerned about it. It was on the news on a daily basis. Now it barely gets a mention. We seem to have stopped caring. Admittedly, it’s very difficult to keep caring about it and not go insane with the knowledge we have killed the planet.

I have done some reading to find out where we are at with the global warming stuff. The most recent thinking is that, we’ve fucked it. We’re past the point of no return and the rising of the sea and the roasting of the land is inevitable. There are not enough life boats to save us all, many of us will have to go down with our little island. The polar bears will also die.

The fish will be okay… apart from all that plastic.

With that in mind, will we view the hot summers with suspicion and dread? Will we stop using our cars so much, stop using so much plastic and all en masse tell China to get their shit together? No, you’ll all go to the pub and make me work hard. Drinking away the worry until the world around you turns to desert, or you’re swept away by a tidal wave filled with dead polar bears and Asda bags.

I hate you so much.