Trump is right again.

Britain needs guns

Recently, President Trump (the healthiest ever president that ever did live) compared London hospitals to a war zone. He was, of course, referring to the rampant knife crime that goes unchecked throughout the city. Once again, he has been rather astute and hasn’t been cowed into avoiding telling the truth like most politicians are.

Living in a London overspill town, I spend a lot of time in England’s capital city or the front lines as it were. Stepping off the train, the true extent of knife crime is instantly evident. Bodies lay strewn along the platform with medics risking their lives in a vain attempt to save those of young men cut to ribbons.

Words of wisdom

True to President Trump’s (the healthiest ever president) words, the hospitals are awash with blood. One prominent doctor even compared it to that one scene from The Shining. The unchallenged thugs that prowl London’s streets fear not the law or any sort of recompense. Just look at the arrogance of the typical Londoner, proudly brandishing their blade of choice.



I feel threatened just typing this


Government figures show that knife crime has got so bad that even the charts used to illustrate them look quite scary.

graph 1

As you can see, the number of deaths due to knife crime has inclined steadily over the years, before levelling out in the early naughties for some unknown reason, before rocketing off the chart (literally). There’s no telling how high the number is because there is yet to be a sheet of paper large enough to record it.

UK Government failing us yet again

Alas, the government does nothing. This is partially due to the fact that Britain’s elected MPs are currently stuck inside the Houses of Parliament because there’s a shady looking ethnic fellow standing outside, and he almost certainly has a knife.

It’s simply not a case of isolated gang violence stemming from various economic and social issues. The native Londoner has become a bloodthirsty beast who thinks they can do what they wish. Slashing up innocent civilians left, right and centre, and even slightly left of centre.



Yet another couple of knife-crazed millennials celebrating their latest kill with a balanced meal.


The solution

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that the only solution to this terrible state of affairs comes in the form of a gun. Why we Brits fear the gun is a mystery that baffles all intelligent men. Thanks to the gun, Britain forged the greatest empire the world had ever seen. The gun helped us keep our green and pleasant land’s most vicious predator (the fox) in check. Now the gun can liberate us from the tyranny of the knife.

If we stopped listening to all these cowardly liberals and embraced the return of the gun, knife crime would all but disappear. All this violence would end if these knife-wielding maniacs knew they had a righteous man with a gun to fear. The bloodshed will cease if everyone who looks like they might be carrying a knife was shot.

The hard truth

The incredibly healthy Donald Trump isn’t afraid to state the hard facts. Facts that may offend all you many snowflakes. Of course it’s true that had everyone present at the Bataclan had a gun and immediately started opening fire upon sighting a terrorist, the death toll would have probably been in minus numbers.  It’s as true as had President Kennedy (a less healthy president than the immensely healthy Donald Trump) been waving a gun when sat in that car, he’d not have been assassinated.

‘But what if the criminals get guns?’ you disgusting, whiny liberals cry. Well, they’re not going to use them if they know that everyone else has a gun. It’s mutually assured destruction. If every man, woman and child has a gun, they’ll outnumber the criminals tenfold.

Compare the stats

Just take a look at the official statistics coming from America, where everyone’s allowed a gun and even teachers are being urged to arm themselves lest a crazed maniac with a gun comes in.

graph 3

You’ll notice that the number of deaths has always been low (under a thousand). As the number of guns increases, the number of knife related deaths decrease, until we get to 2018, where nobody has yet died at all. This is no doubt partially influenced by citizens following the healthy example of their elected leader.

Now let’s look at the UK and American statistics side by side (or underneath). graph 2

As you can see, the graphs are completely different. One’s a bar chart, the other is a line chart. We can all agree that when information is displayed via lines, it’s a lot more of a pressing issue than the nice, friendly bars.

Now compare this to the number of knife related deaths that occur in rural locations where it’s known that the farmer down the road owns a shotgun. The number is so low, that there’s no point in showing it in chart form.

There has only been one recorded knife related death and that was because he was cutting an onion and slipped, severing an artery. Plus, he had past convictions of knife-related crime anyway, so good riddance to the bastard.

The facts are clear. Guns will solve London’s knife crime and make our country great again. Donald Trump didn’t get as healthy as he is today by not embracing guns.



A brave young boy standing up for the little person. (metaphorically, not dwarves. Though he’d stand up for them too)



Ill Thought Out Ranting.

In theory, with education your life should follow this progression:

School – GCSEs – A levels – University – a reasonable job.


School – GCSEs – An arguably less, but still reasonable job, but without the wasted 3 years and mountains of debt.

As it happens it actually seems to go like this.

School – GCSEs – A levels – University – Nothing, absolutely nothing you’re going to have to fight for a job in a pub which will work you 47 hours a week for very little money until you wish you were dead.

Universities are no longer educational establishments. They are graduate factories, built on an unsustainable economic model. They use fancy marketing, with huge open days and lovely catalogues that show beautiful nineteen year olds smiling giddy smiles as they joyfully expand their knowledge.

There’ll be a page of numbers that tries to bamboozle you into thinking that those with degrees are 120% more likely to get a great job when they leave with their degree. They’ll be so likely to have a great job that many will have a job without even realising it, some will have two, a few will have so many they won’t know what to do with them.

The government are in on this too. It was not so long ago that David Cameron, then Prime Minister, said he thought 50% of people should go to university. Primarily because it keeps the ‘unemployment’ figures down and lands people in debt and Western economies are reliant on people being in debt, but we’re not here to talk about that.

They then go on to drop random statistics saying n% of graduates are in employment, so the system works. The survey is often flawed at best, however taken at face value, the statistic is usually impressive. However, may statistics fail to take into account the capacity in which these people are employed.

We live in a world, where more people than ever are degree educated… and yet, we are not in a golden age of efficiency. With so many university graduates, surely the business world would be booming, the world of science should have discovered flying cars by now and there shouldn’t be a place on television for ‘Love Island’.

Instead we have history experts waiting on tables, English Literature nuts pulling pints, astrophysicists working in milkshake shops.

Why is this?

I do not know.

Perhaps it is just the very fact that so many people have degrees, devaluing the whole system. Unfortunately, we live in a time where unless you have the best degree, from the most prestigious of all universities, you will find yourself in employment limbo. Retail and hospitality won’t want you, they’ll see your degree as a sign that you’ll flee at the earliest chance. Companies looking for graduates won’t want you, because they want the best of the best.

With a 2:2 you’ll find yourself cast aside and left to flounder in mounting debt and lack of fulfilment. People’ll say ‘why not try teaching’, which in the current climate you’d be better off blowing your own legs off, you’ll earn more from your disability allowance.

Then there’s the issue of experience. Graduates will routinely get turned down for jobs based on their lack of experience. In order to get experience, you will need to get a job in your preferred sector, but in order to get a job in your preferred sector, you will need experience, and to get that experience…. Well shit.

One day, all the people with experience will die. Then where will we be?

Well, no worse off than we currently are.

Whilst there are jobs (much like the truth) ‘out there’ the number of people looking for them are much higher. Supply and demand comes into play and unfortunately, whilst you may show some of the desired attributes, employers will decide to go with candidates that better suit their criteria… though they will helpfully wish you luck with your job search.

You’ll need it.


Make me feel less like a failure and download my kindle book. It’s reverent, silly, playful, self aware and incredibly cheap.