Referendums for Everyone!

Referendums for Everyone.



I do my very best to avoid reading newspapers. It seems that no matter which one you read, someone somewhere will brand you something you do not wish to be branded. I could be of a strong mentality and hold my head high and say ‘your opinion matters little to me’ but I can’t. However, I occasionally tap on a news app on my phone when I’m doing my morning poo. In doing so I am often confronted with various talks of referendums. I even got a letter through the other day attempting to explain the subtler points of the EU referendum.

Not long ago, my readers from the apparently not so united United Kingdom, will remember there was a Scottish referendum. Where we all waited with baited breath to see if Scotland would erect a giant mast in Edinburgh, unfurl a great sail and break off from the rest of us and sail across the globe to sit with Australia, where they can bond over their mutual dislike of us English. The vote concluded that the majority of Scottish people wanted to remain a part of the UK, before voting en masse for the SNP anyway. They’re an unpredictable people. Whasserface, the Scottish minister lady, whom Google would tell me her name, but that would fly in the face of me keeping out of politics, has said that there could very well be another referendum of Scottish independence. Because apparently the democratic process is only reliable if you get the result you want. She’s adamant that the Scottish people want to be rid of us oppressive Brits so much so that we’re just one more referendum away from being apart forever. Scotland will become an independent state and will fund it’s free education and free prescriptions with the money it earns from exporting whiskey presumably, now that the price of oil has plummeted.

What’s strange, is that the Scottish people on the whole (if we’re going to make broad generalisations – which I have and I am), are very Pro-Europe. Doesn’t want to be part of the United Kingdom, but perfectly happy to be part of the European Union. Don’t get me wrong, I’m Pro EU myself, but it’s the disjointed logic I don’t care for.

That strange toad like, beer swilling aristocrat from a bygone age Nigel Farage has recently stated that if the Stay vote wins by a slender margin, there will be unfinished business “In a 52-48 referendum this would be unfinished business by a long way. If the Remain campaign win two-thirds to one-third that ends it.” Again, seemingly subscribing to the theory that democracy only counts if he gets his way. He claims that there will definitely be a second EU referendum. At this rate we’ll have referendums all over the place, never getting anything done. Referendum after referendum. We’ll be in and out – in and out and shaking it all about. This is the same man that somehow believes leaving the EU will make us safer from all those foreign people that want to kill us.

Now, if you’ve read this far I pity you. This endless waffle is not my forte, I usually just complain about how dull my life is, and then demand people by my book. My view is this. England – nay the entire United Kingdom – is a very small and impotent nation. The ‘Brexit’ (sounds like a breakfast cereal), campaigners if you’ve had the misfortune of talking to any of them, tend to be old posh people. Old posh people who still think we matter, who still think we have an empire. Rule Britannia and all that. We don’t. Sure the commonwealth is still holding on by its bloody stumpy fingers (we have New Zealand I think… and Australia, but most of us in England don’t even realise this), but we are close to nothing on the world stage. If Scotland got its independence, than we’d be even smaller and more pointless, and it wouldn’t be long before the Welsh started getting ideas and before we know it we’d have some Game of Thrones shit going on.

With the EU, we could potentially be something. As we progress, we should be looking to forge a more united globe, not wasting time and money on becoming more divided. We need to be prepared for the alien invasion, of 2034 (on a Tuesday afternoon I think).

Here are the two possibilities should we leave the EU.

  1. Absolutely nothing will change. We shan’t become a superpower, our economy wouldn’t improve and we won’t be safer. We’ll just be the same, only we won’t have the full support of our European neighbours.
  2. Our economy will suffer, our diplomatic relations would suffer and we’d be a lot less secure.

This is absolutely correct, anyone who argues with me is a fool. A foolish fool and I hate them. So, the point of this longwinded, ill thought out piece, is this – vote to stay in the EU. Stop having referendums, they’re just there to distract us from the real important issues: like the fact our planet is dying, wars all over the place – the distinct possibility that Donald Trump could become the next President of America, should that happen we’re all doomed.

Vote stay. Or at the very least make sure you vote. I’m talking to you young people. Young people who think it’s cool and intellectual to not vote because “nothing changes anyway, they don’t do anything or me” and then have the audacity to complain. I hate you. You’re a bunch of narcissistic arrogant cunts and you let the old conservative people win, simply because of your bohemian sense of apathy. Don’t be a Cunt. Vote. And if you do vote, Don’t be a Cunt again – vote stay.