Sort of Topical Post

As in all things, I strive to be ever so slightly behind where current events are concerned. I tend to read the news a mere three times a week, that way I get more out of the experience. Now, as a fairly left leaning liberal, it’s once again time to leap to the aid of the NHS. By that, I mean write a half-arsed article for my handful of loyal readers to look at before realising I don’t have any doodles in this one.

Recently, that toad faced caricature of a bloated egotist Donald Trump tweeted that ‘thousands of people are marching in the UK because their U system is going broke and not working.’ I don’t know what a U system is. This is once again indicative that one of the most powerful men in the world gets his global information from Fox News and that gaping hole that is his anus alone.

If he knew anything about British culture he’d know that we don’t march if things are broken and not working. If things get broken, we all collectively go ‘Waaaay’ before returning to our alcoholic stupors. If things aren’t working, we hit it and if that doesn’t solve the matter we return to our alcoholic stupors.

The march was in fact a proactive demonstration to demand more money for an NHS that has worked for many decades and that we all hold very dear. It is a system that works very well on the whole, but needs more resources. We need more doctors and we definitely need more money. Money that we in the United Kingdom are more than happy to pay.

No one likes the idea of taxes rising. Parties and politicians refrain from uttering the phrase lest they’re taken out back and beaten before being hung from a tree. Yet, everyone underestimates how much we’re willing to pay for our beloved NHS.

Recent polls reveal that three quarters of us are willing to pay one whole pound a week to help better fund the NHS. A whole pound! That’s one quarter of a pint. The issue there remains, this money would have to go to the NHS. Not like that 350 million of Brexit money that was promised to it and now when asked, Boris Johnson laughs, shrugs and spits on a poor person.

We’d be willing to pay, if we were assured it was going where it was needed and we saw the results. Everyone deserves free healthcare, why should it be reserved for those who can afford it? No one plans to go to hospital, no one makes the conscious effort to get cancer, except for smokers maybe. Why should people have to re-mortgage their home to pay for life saving surgery?

This is why I’ll never understand America. Barak Obama tried really hard to provide the people with affordable healthcare and the people responded as though he was trying to kill their children. Trump doesn’t want universal healthcare, he much prefers the idea of having to pay $2,000 to recast a broken arm and if you can’t afford it, he wants you to stagger around for the rest of your life with misshapen limbs.

Of course, he speaks from that privileged position of being a very rich man. Medical bills are nothing to him, so he would not understand. Keeping your people healthy is imperative for a happy functioning nation. As absurd as it may sound to the human mind, in somethings, we must be willing to come together and do what we can for the greater good. The capitalist system may work in some respects, but there are times when we have to put it aside.

It will be hard. Introducing universal healthcare won’t be cheap and it will not happen over one night, but the benefits will be tremendous. It’ll put everyone on an equal footing as far as health is concerned. If you are rich and can’t abide the idea of using the same hospitals as everyone else, because you’re better than them, then there’ll still be private healthcare.

I just find it irksome when – for lack of a better term – ignorant twats argue against universal healthcare by making wild claims about the NHS. The fact is, we get sick, we go to a doctor, we get better and we’re not left in destitution.

There are flaws yes. Every system has flaws and these can be overcome with the right funding and a fucking multiparty council to look after all things NHS to avoid politics getting too involved. We need to encourage our youth to stop doing film studies courses and pursue a rewarding medicine career. The more doctors and nurses we have, the less strained the system will be.

I know anecdotal accounts don’t really count as evidence in most situations, but recently my uncle passed away from cancer. When he took a turn for the worst it had been snowing, which in England means everything stops running. An NHS doctor got on a train only to get stranded an entire town away from where my uncle was, so, in the snow, he walked. It was by no means a short walk, nor a pleasant one, but he did so anyway. My uncle got the treatment he needed and admitted to a hospice where he could be comfortable in his final week or so. Does this sound like a broken system?

When people complain about long waiting times in A&E, ask them what they were there for. You’ll find they won’t say ‘my arm had been severed and I was bleeding to death whilst on fire’. They’ll say ‘I bashed my finger and it really hurt. It wasn’t broken in the end just a bit swollen.’

The NHS is a profoundly human thing. We all own it collectively. It is ours. We can help make it better and we should. Then if Trump comes on a state visit (assuming he’s not throwing a tantrum over the size of the American embassy or the selection of morning pastries), we can injure him with a bat. Then let him get some free treatment. That’ll learn him, I think.


Well that’s that. If you want to see some half arsed articles I got paid to write on subjects i have no authority on, please see the links below.  Also, my absurdist collection of short stories ‘The Tiny Compendium of Ridiculousness‘ is cheap. Buy that. It has 5 stars on the version. That’s the most stars you can get.



2018 – The Beginning of the End!

I haven’t posted in some time in fact, my last post was in August so some time in this sense translates to 2 months. This is primarily due to the fact that internet blogging is a futile endeavour and I was a fool to ever start. It’s like throwing a handful of your own shit at a mountain made up of thousands of other people’s shit and expecting everyone to take note of your shit, except less satisfying. Yet, here I am again because there’s only so many times I can listen to my own internal monologue.

So it is the Halloween weekend and Diwali weekend I’ve been led to believe, so happy Halloween or Diwali, depending on your preference. It seems since I’ve been away from the world of the internet, the people that live in the physical world have grown bored and decided that it’s probably about time for another World War, thereby completing the trilogy and getting some well-earned closure. Though this one will probably be more about the special effects than believable characters and well thought out plot.

Every so often we get those apocalypse predictions that spread around the internet and everyone gets really excited and it never happens, as is the nature of prophesying doom. So I’m going to make my own prediction, in the hope that having predicted it, I will avert disaster. So here goes. 2018 will see WWIII kick off which will spark nuclear conflict which will kill us all. There – it’s out there now, stock up on canned goods and a grab a makeshift weapon to deter looters.

Once again Russia and America are threatening each other with a beating with their nuclear stick. Putin has unveiled his Satan 2 Missile. Unveiling a missile does make it sound like it was hidden discretely underneath a white sheet for some time, before Putin dramatically whipped it off. Some have reported this missile as being powerful enough to wipe out an area the size of the UK. I happen to live in the UK which is also roughly the size of the UK so that sounds a touch worrying. The Mirror has even done a chirpy little interactive article where you can “discover your fate” should good ole London get nuked []. You can have a look if you like, but no matter where you put down, the result is ‘you are incinerated by a terrible explosion. If you aren’t you’ll wish you had as you slowly succumb to radiation and/or starve.’

Of course this is working under the theory that Nuclear war will just involve one pot shot. Realistically we can expect at least two thrown at us, maybe one from France as well. According to Business Insider 9 countries have nuclear weapons, possessing “Approximately 16,300” between them. Which would mean around 1,811 nukes each if shared out evenly, which they better be, fair is fair. Of course these are just the ones everyone is being open and honest about. My dad’s been spending a lot of time in his shed recently, what’s he up to? Of course you could question how Business Insider came about this knowledge, it seems unlikely that they phoned up each respective government to ask them about their nuclear arsenal and that said governments were all too pleased to provide this information. More to the point, why would Business Insider need to know this information. Anyway, it was a lazy Google on my part.

I recently watched a video of Putin giving an impassioned speech to journalists about the risks we face and giving his justification for whatever it is he’s doing. I suggest you all watch it, it’s rather interesting. He talks about the necessity of the balance of power and how for the last 70 years peace has been ensured by this said balance, and how America is constantly trying to tip the balance with subtle little manoeuvres, and how if the balance is skewed it makes a nation more likely to try and do naughty things. He almost comes across as a rational human being – unfortunately for him he bears too much of a resemblance to Dobby the House-elf to ever be taken seriously. That and he’s a mad man.

Alas, we live in an age where all the major players are destined to be run by madmen, except the UK which is soon to have no government at all as none of the parties can seem to agree on anything long enough to put together any reasonable plans. British politics currently resembles a large argument over a restaurant bill, which you know will only escalate until it’s resolved by a free-for-all in the carpark.

Soon, that perpetually confused and angry nation, the United States of America, whom can barely get its trousers on in the morning without firing a missile, will have to vote for their next President. They have the choice between a sociopathic racist, who’d struggle to answer the question 2+2 without first yelling at some Mexicans and making a crude sexual remark. And then they have a corrupt warmonger who as far as the rest of the world is concerned has already been president twice; and she’s currently being investigated by the FBI.

America is a truly mental place, where anyone can be President – even if you really, really shouldn’t.

It reminds me of those questions you ask a mate when you’re bored, a ‘would you rather question.’

“Would you rather have John Goodman sit on your face for fifteen minutes after a long run, or have to watch every single Adam Sandler movie in one go?”

“Would you rather have The Mountain from Game of Thrones shove his entire fist up your arse, or have that weird bloke that works in my office shit on your chest?”

“Trump or Clinton? – is death an option? Well at the rate the world’s going it’ll probably be enforced.”

England, France and Denmark will be sending troops, tanks and planes to Estonia to show ‘military presence’. Time and time again people are being quoted as saying ‘they do not want another cold war’ and on both sides the word ‘deterrent’ is being thrown about, which always annoys me. If you have a rat problem, you don’t deter them by adding more rats to the situation, that’s just going to make the problem worse!

France went and tore that lovely camp down earlier in the week, displacing the refugees again for having the audacity to be refugees. Every European nation is doing their best to pretend they’re not in so they don’t have to deal with the problem, which only stands to cause mischief. Isis is still messing about and will no doubt capitalise on all this global civil unrest and those guys are nutters.

So yeah, 2018 – the beginning of the end, note it down if you’re planning a holiday.

Except of course everything will be fine. Because of my prediction. So you’re welcome.

The Fuzzyrambler

People With Money are Terrible and ‘We’ Are Better Than Them.

I had the misfortune of being stuck in a conversation at lunch time this week. I say conversation, it was a conversation in the modern sense where – on the whole – it is made up of shouted non-sequiturs, a few references I didn’t understand and a few exclamations of a sexual nature. On a side note, why does the modern man feel the need to blurt out who can and can’t sit on their face? And since when have rape ‘jokes’ been funny?  You can try and sound as ironic as you like, but you can’t hide that intense flame of sexual frustration in your eyes, or the shame come to think of it.

As in all large, multinational corporations, where I work there are some people on very good wages, and some on not so good (me damn it!). And as in all life, there are people that are naturally attractive, and also those that have wealthy parents (by our lowly definitions). This is rather inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, however, it does tend to get us riled up.

In this unfortunate conversation we seemed to dance around a few particular topics, one of which was a young lady, whose parents has some amount of financial wealth should we say. She happily takes advantage of this, much to the rancour of my lunch time companions. She has multiple horses, which is just unfair as I don’t even have 1 horse, fucking one percent – taking all the horses. On top of all this, she had the audacity to allow her parents to pay off her new car. Can you imagine the spluttered outrage pouring from the lips of the unfortunate few? No you can’t, it was much worse than that.

“Oh Daddy will buy her a new car.”

“We have to make our own way in life!”

“Spoilt brat, lets key her car!”

“No let’s get some paint stripper and write slut on her doors.”

I would like to say the last one is an exaggeration… I would really like to say that.

There’s a lot of anger and insecurity about these days, and apparently the way to get through this is to hurl abuse at those ‘better off’ than us – preferably when they’re not there and can’t hear us. Sexism and passive aggression aside, the reason this annoys me so, is I find it very hard to imagine anyone not taking advantage of opportunities offered to them.

“What’s that dad? You want to pay of my car? No thank you, I wish to make my own way in life. In fact if you could kick me out with nothing but the clothes on my back, and then demand I pay you for them, that will be much better. Teach me some responsibility.”

More to the point, without going into too much detail, one of the speakers I know is in a good wage and once said he didn’t spend any less than £50 on a pair of jeans (Oh the extravagance!). The other, I know has had financial help from his parents too – but we can forget about that when it comes to our “Two Minutes Hate.” We can forget that the majority of us are actually in pretty enviable positions in regards to the rest of the planet (if you have an iPhone or access to the internet and the right to vote you’re probably alright). We are all in the positions we are because of circumstance and because of those around us.

Because, those wealthier than us are dicks, especially if they’re women apparently (I would go into this, but that’s a debate to be had by more eloquent people than I).

They have no right to complain… ever. Even if their aforementioned rich parents are killed in a tragic car accident, they have no right to weep, to even feel one ounce of sorrow, they can just buy new parents.

I don’t begrudge people their wealth, or mock the absent of such (because I am better than all of you) – it’s hypocrisy that infuriates me.

Why, when we all seem to hate these people – do we strive for wealth ourselves? Why do we play the lottery, or hope for our big break and a room we can comfortably call our treasury, filled with sacks of gold and jewels, and a crown? Surely, the very idea should sicken us and we should aspire to get rid of all our money, and our clothes,

Perhaps my problem is I don’t particularly understand money. I don’t get it and the very concept of it makes me mad, why do I have to spend 8 and a half hours a day earning it, only for a man from the council to take it away? I have a very limited interest in cars, so find it difficult to get jealous when someone’s parents buy them a new snazzy vehicle. What grinds my gears are the people that get to work from home. I want to work from home! The only reason I pursue some sort of financial well-being is so I can have more sleep, and avoid annoying conversations like the one I have mentioned. That, and I’d quite like to live inside a volcano, like some supervillain.

Over all – it’s a shame that we’re all so angry.

But I wouldn’t want it to change, as then I’d have nothing to write about on a Saturday morning as I desperately try and say something interesting in the vain hope that someone will hire me to write articles.

The FuzzyRambler

What Will Trump Say Next?

Even he doesn’t know. When you watch him speak, he seems perpetually surprised that his lips are able to flap about like that, and like a giant toddler first learning the basics of speech, with every word he seems to express a great deal of self-satisfaction. Unlike most politicians, who have a team of speech writers, a director, make up artists and special effects team, Trump appears to enjoy the old school approach of just winging it.

In some ways I respect that. I adhere to that school of philosophy myself, just opening your mouth and hoping for the best. The ‘let’s just do it and see what happens’ approach to life is an admirable one. Unless you happen to be a deluded, bigoted, self-righteous cunt. In this case, the “see what happens” aspect of the ethos is easy to guess.

I thought Trump had lost it when one of his major proposals was to build a huge wall to separate America and Mexico, to stop those pesky Mexicans coming in and doing whatever it is that they do that the American populace hates so much. In particular the bit where he suggested that the Mexican government would be the ones footing the bill. A part wants him to become president, just so I can see this plan put into action and watch the farcical nonsense unfold, like a sit-com episode from the 70s. It could be called ‘To Be Trumped’ … or something better, that was just off the top of my head and I’ve only just woken up and not had coffee yet. Trumped should definitely feature, it makes it seem wittier.

I can only imagine the way that conversation will go.

‘Mexico, I’ve started work on the wall to stop you lot just wandering in and seeking a better life. Can we have the first payment?’

‘Who is this?’

‘The President of the United States. We need you to pay up now, because those building the wall have unionised and are demanding money. If only we had hired some hard working Mexican immigrants.’

‘What’s to stop people just tunnelling under this wall?’

‘Beg your pardon?’

‘Never mind, cheque’s in the post.’

There was once a time when a weird, startled manatee of a man would make these sorts of pledges and be laughed at. World wide we be joined in ridicule, it’d make us glad to be alive. Alas, we seem to have entered a dangerously, bitterly angry time in which people vote for them instead.

Recently, Trump has been seen telling mother’s to remove their babies, who we can only assume were crying because they could see their future being shat upon by their grandparents and their parents. And he has also compared any sort of sacrifice he made to make money from real estate to that of a soldier giving his life for his country, and subsequently his family losing their son. I don’t know quite what sacrifices he is referring to, or if he even knows the meaning of the word sacrifice, to quote the man himself:

“I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I’ve done ― I’ve had ― I’ve had tremendous success. I think I’ve done a lot,”

Donald “The Bloated Manatee” Trump.

Of course it’s easy to do a lot in real estate if your father is already rich and well known in the construction industry. This is perhaps typical of self-righteous rich white men. Of course they will not know what personal sacrifice means, they’ve never been exposed to it, it is a concept forever out of reach of their limited understanding.

Whereas any sensible politician (and I am aware of how cynical I sound) would have seized an opportunity  in the case of the Khan family and adopted a sense of faux sorrow and solidarity and praised the sacrifices of a brave soldier and invited his parents around for dinner. Trump chose to insult them and insinuate misdeeds. Of course they weren’t white enough for Trump so he wouldn’t let them in his house. They also had the audacity to be Muslim and we all know where he stands in that regard.

And to quote the man himself:

“They’re not coming to this country if I’m president. And if Obama has brought some to this country they are leaving, they’re going, they’re gone.”

Donald “The Bloated Manatee Fuckface” Trump.

Imagine if they were Mexican?

Again, in a different time these actions would probably have him removed from politics and locked away in some kind of hole somewhere, a racist hole – for racists. Incidentally that will be another television show I’ll be working on ‘The Racist Hole.” Instead, he still stands a good chance of becoming the president of one of the most powerful nations on the planet. If Theresa May (British PM – I know, I keep having to Google it to remember too), has no qualms with sentencing hundreds of thousands of people she doesn’t know and have done her no harm, to death by nuclear devastation, Trump would probably drop the bomb himself riding it “Dr Strangelove” style, probably onto Mexico, stating all the while “this is a good thing. Oh yes, I think it’s a good thing, I’m not worried at all.”

In his great delusion, he probably won’t even fear his own death, as he probably thinks he can rise again.

And to quote the man himself (probably, I’ve grown bored of research):

“Actually, I have a lot in common with Jesus. We both worked in the family business…”

Donald “The Bloated Manatee Fuckface Jesus (apparently)” Trump.


To be fair to him on this occasion, the pair do have a fair bit in common – neither he nor Jesus would have gotten anywhere if it wasn’t for their fathers. Now, if only we could nail Trump to something.

… I may have just lost my moral standing on this one. Criticizing the man for bigotry and then belittling the death of Christ. But at least I’m aware of my own hypocrisy. It’s fine, you’re allowed to insult the Christians without fear of recompense, because Jesus told them to turn the other cheek. If they don’t they’re being bad Christians, and Jesus will judge them! The only thing that made him mad was setting up market stalls in a church. Imagine that – going to a place you know people will be and trying to earn a living… this was in the depths of history too in a land where basic amenities were scarce and expensive. Selfish entrepreneurs trying to provide for themselves and their families.

Anyway, I got side tracked.

I can only hope that this is all a bit of satirical performance art, and if Trump gets to the White House, he’ll grin rip off his face and it’ll turn out to be Sacha Baron Cohen and we’ll all have a good laugh. Unfortunately, I feel satire is lost on most Republicans.

I’ll leave you with this last quote from the man himself:

“I’m a massive tool and I like to put vegetables up my wrinkly ass. I think it’s a good thing. I’m not worried at all. I murder puppies with golden hammers in my big house. I sneak into your children’s bedroom at night and urinate in their face.”

Donald Trump.


I feel in the interest of transparency, a lot of the quotes were lifted straight from newspapers, and of course as such, could well be misrepresented or false as we all know journalists have their own political agenda to promote. I have done little in the way of verifying these quotes were actually said, and I can say for certain that one of them is definitely made up.




Where are all the Adults?

Where have all the adults gone?


I’m well aware of a large number of recent tragedies and moments of political upheaval that may well go onto have global repercussions, and a skilled writer would be able to generate an engaging an interesting article on any of these things. However, I am not a skilled writer, nor are the large majority of bloggers, yet it hasn’t stopped them. So instead of being another self-important piece on the cabinet reshuffle or terrorist atrocities, where I try and show how politically engaged and intelligent I am, I’m going to write another self-important piece on Pokemon Go.

Being roughly 24-25 (I honestly don’t know, I keep having to text my dad to find out), I existed in what you might call the Pokemon generation. You will notice I refuse to use the accented e. as Poke-Mon sounds cooler, like a Star Wars character. I watched the series, collected the cards, used cleverly worded tricks and promises to swindle my friends out of good cards in exchange for bad ones and even played the games. I used to dream about belonging in the world of Pokemon, so I can leave home at the age of 11 and wander the world, beating wild animals to the point of submission before keeping them in cramped conditions for lengthy periods and occasionally forcing them to fight others. So why, when I heard tell of a new augmented reality game that incorporates the real world and those scientifically questionable monsters, why was I not the least bit interested?

It turns out, it’s because I’m roughly 24-25. I have moved on. Pokemon was a huge part of my childhood and there it remains, for the very same reason I no longer hang out at The Ditch and pretend to be a Power Ranger.

Aside: The Ditch was a place situated between my house and the house of a good friend of mine. It was, as the name suggests, a large overgrown ditch, in which one might find a trolley, or on a good day, the door to a tumble dryer.

This week, I have been forced to endure endless conversations about Pokemon, where to find them and the where the gyms are situated. One heavily bearded “adult” passionately exclaimed how he found an Eve (spelling may not be correct) outside KFC. Grown men and women, with jobs and who pay tax venture out on their lunch hours in the hopes of finding that elusive Pigeott.

Why? Where have all the adults gone? When did we become this nation of the perpetual child? It’s strange, unnerving even. I’m accused of being miserable, pretentious even. I’ve even been accused of trying to ruin everyone’s fun, simply because I don’t get excited over the idea of using my phone camera to see a fictional worm sitting on my desk! Madness! Madness I say!

Someone even tried to defend it by saying, and I quote “It’s good though, because it’s helping me lose weight, because before I wouldn’t bother going out, but now I’m going for walks in the evenings to try and catch Pokemon.” He says this with a serious expression etched onto his features. Pokemon… convincing someone to go outside and walk to combat weight gain? Why is being a fat shit not inspiration enough?

It was recently reported that two people fell off a cliff whilst playing this game. I laughed. Admittedly as I continued to read I felt bad for doing so as they were really hurt, but that’s the news paper’s fault for starting an article simply saying that some people fell off a cliff because they were too busy looking at their phones. Once upon a time this might have featured in a satirical sketch show, but no, so engrossed in this endless obsession of ‘catching ‘em all’ people are walking off cliffs, off piers, strolling into the waiting arms of angry bears, crashing planes and all sorts.

It’s not just the current Pokemon Go fad that makes me feel this way. Recently, the Deadpool film hit the cinemas and people loved them. This comic book adaptation had an 18 rating, meaning it was intended for adults. I’ve not seen it, it may well be a clever dig at the superhero trend and Hollywood’s obsession with churning them out. I did see Captain America 2 not long ago. It was alright, but the story was (if one liked to over analyse) one of post 9/11 espionage and government policy and the changing nature of war and global threats and how we are all at risk of accidentally surrendering power to sinister, totalitarian regimes and organisations in the name of security, this is clearly not a theme aimed at children. It was still Captain America, and one in a never ending list of films about costumed folk beating up badguys in whatever form they come, which adults spent their hard earned money on watching.

Why WHY! Why can’t we just grow up like people did in the good old days, where they reached the age of twenty-two, decided their days of having fun were over and started wearing jumpers?

Because… the good old days.

Nostalgia, that’s what it is. We yearn for the carefree days of playing the Pokemon games, swapping the cards. Nostalgia is a good feeling. But Nostalgia is also dangerous! It’s more addictive than any drug. Just walk into a building and say “do you remember the Crash Bandicoot games?” and watch everyone go mental.

It can ruin lives nostalgia. People get so lost in the past they forget they’re in the present, they don’t see the future charging towards them before it’s too late and they’re dead. I lost my father to nostalgia, I asked him what school was like in the 70s. His eyes glazed over, he let out a long breath as he travelled back through time several decades. He’s been trapped in the 70s ever since. It’s a genuine fear of mine that he’ll try and do something differently and the paradox that ensues would leave me fading out of existence.

“So what do you do that’s so much better than this eh? If you so begrudge free independent people their moments of thoughtless entertainment in a world of constant uncertainty and woe?” I hear the Pokemon Go players screaming.

Well, I drink a lot, and when I’ve run out of money for drinking, I masturbate.


If Music be the Food of Love, Stop Playing Oasis

Below is a self-indulgent rant against buskers. I set myself the target of producing blogposts as often as possible, but have discovered I rarely have much to say. Enjoy.


I like music, I am a musician of sorts. I even won Hertfordshire under 18s Battle of the Bands many years ago. We were awarded with £300 and the chance to play an outdoor concert in the centre of Letchworth Garden City. It was during a cold winters day, the instruments went out of tune with each strumming of a chord, and an old man told us to be quiet, but we didn’t we stuck it to the man (at least that particular one) by playing for our allotted time and then buggering off.

So it might seem a bit hypocritical when I say I hate wannabe musicians and their insistence on trying to get people to listen to their music. In my defence, I am a hypocrite, it’s one of my few consistencies. There are many reasons for hating them. I know it may seem a bit extreme to brand them with such a powerful word, what with all the people in the world more deserving of it (Isis, Boris Johnson, various cowardly Leave campaigners who campaigned, got what they want and then fucked off, Donald Trump, Putin, James Franco, paedophiles etc.).

First of all – for all their claims to love music, and for music to be their life, they warble on with the same tired and basic songs. That is buskers and those that play in pubs. I have more respect if they do their own songs… even if they’re shit, at least they’re not cheating. Any beanie wearing twat you see playing in a pub, whenever they eventually (for they will, it’s inevitable) start strumming the opening chords to Wonderwall, be sure to stand up and punch them right in their arrogant and most probably bearded faces. Oasis were shit, it’s a well-known fact. Their terribleness is apparent in how popular they are at open-mic nights in pubs and how everyone sings along. Their songs are easy, culminating in tuneless wailing, which is why they go down well in such a location, because drunk people can sing along with ease. It’s cheating. Anyone can get a reaction by playing Wonderwall to the ignorant masses who don’t know any better.

Buskers in a busy town or city centre utilise the ‘Oasis factor’ as a shield. They think people will tolerate them more, if they’re ruining known hits that have been played so much that they’re already ruined. In which case, become a background buzz, like an annoying fly constantly batting its head against a window pane. Bland enough to be largely ignored, but loud enough to be irritating after time, an act they expect us to pay them for.

There is one particular busker round my way, who wears sunglasses, whatever the weather. Occasionally, he wears stylish musician hats. He seems to think he has all the ingredients necessary for success, sunglasses, hat, acoustic guitar and a set list of bland songs. I hate him. I hope he dies of some rare blood disorder. Harsh I know, but one must be honest in life.

The problem may be due to the lack of music specific venues willing to give amateurs their chance. Contrary to what I have just stated (here I go again, I’m a complex individual in many ways) I do enjoy seeing live music, particularly from artists (and I use the term in its broadest sense) we have yet to experience. However, I enjoy them at a time and place of my choosing. I resent them when I go to my local for a pint and a chat with the friends I haven’t seen for some time (because they’re actively avoiding me) and in these narcissistic bellends march, acoustic guitars in hand with egos completely disproportionate to their talent. They play obnoxiously loud, with songs we have heard time and time again, done in the same way, actively preventing people who just want to drink, from drinking. I hate them, I hate them all.

Don’t get me started on opinionated bloggers. They’re everywhere.





EU Referendum False Facts

(the below is intended as a bit of silliness. I feel the need to say so in case I’m accused by one of my 6 viewers of misrepresenting arguments)


The EU Referendum is rapidly approaching, I wrote on this matter some time ago, there it is. Due to the way time works, it is now closer than it was back then. The thing is, I thought the Stay campaign had it in the bag, what with the support of most business and professionals across a wide range of specialities, whereas Brexit has Boris Johnson and Donald Trump.

However, speaking to people about the whole thing, we may be genuinely at risk of leaving the EU. It’s a difficult to one to debate, because upon trying to come out with arguments people stop you midsentence. ‘You have been led astray by propaganda!’ they will say, ‘What about ….’ And then I say ‘You’ve been led astray by propaganda. Lies, deceit and over exaggeration all of it.’ This point of the argument can go on for some time.

As it stands, it seems none of us really know what will happen should we leave, or what will happen should we stay. It’s safe to say, most of us know nothing and rely on the people that should know something to inform us, but it turns out, they don’t know anything. So, for the first time, I am going to present an objective, unbiased review of both arguments along with all the facts and figures required for you to make a rational decision come voting day.


It is true that it costs a large amount of money to be a member of the EU, the figure seems to vary depending on who you speak to, but under the freedom of information act, I asked one of the top guys in the EU and he informed me that the current cost of membership stands at £1.2 billion a week. There is a premium membership that costs £2.1 billion which allows you more storage space and free marketing, but we don’t currently go for that one… I mean we’re sceptical about being a part of it in the first place.

The Leavers state that this money could be put to better things, namely the NHS. However, I don’t think this is wise at all, I mean they’re only going to spend it all on drugs!

More’s to the point, we have quite a large amount of national debt. If we save this money, it won’t be ploughed into the NHS, it’ll pay off the international loan sharks that’ll break all of our legs if we don’t. Or, it will be wasted on shit we don’t need. Think about it, that’s just human nature. If you get a tax rebate, you don’t save it or spend it on important things like paying your council tax or investing in your child’s future. No, you go and buy lots of expensive stuff you have absolutely no need for.

So you can see the argument is flawed here.

The Stay campaign reason that this membership fee is vital, as currently the variety offered by Netflix isn’t as good as it could be, and the EU is currently working on some interesting productions. Sure we could stream it illegally, but then you wouldn’t be supporting the industry.

However, this is a contentious issue as we could just buy the DVDs.




If only our ancestors knew when they left Africa to populate the rest of the world and breed with the Neanderthal what an issue they were going to create. They set a trend for people wanting to go to other countries.

Unlike their counterparts – Emigrants, who are fearless pioneers, taking their jobs and skills to better other nations, immigrants are lazy. They make no attempt to integrate with their new home, they keep adding sections to supermarkets – I mean what the fuck is a Polish sausage? What’s wrong with a good old fashioned English Sausage? It’s all very well these immigrants coming over here, but the sudden influx of their sausages is just something our infrastructure can’t handle! They steal everything not nailed down and if it is nailed down they steal the nails anyway.

Of course you could take the leftist view that immigration is a boon to the economy and wider relations. That growing up in a more diverse society is socially and politically healthier. But as soon as those opinions leave your mouth they’ll be snatched up by a thieving immigrant.

Or you could take the middling view that immigration is neither good nor bad, it purely depends on the level and the economic climate, but then you’d be boring and no one would invite you to parties.

Brexit has taken a strong stance in immigration. If we leave the EU, anyone with a vaguely foreign sounding name will be immediately deported and the highly skilled jobs will be given to native English people, regardless of their qualifications. Those that sit on benches early in the morning drinking foreign beers will be replaced by good old fashioned English alcoholics drinking proper English beers!


They don’t really mind all that much. They quite like Polish Sausages. Everyone’s pretty chill. Within the EU everyone likes everyone and we shouldn’t put up barriers man. Staying in the EU is good for everyone. Why?

Because it is that’s why!



As is well documented, UK citizens are peace loving creatures by nature, and all terrorists come from abroad, utilising the freedom of movement the EU allows. There are no checks required in this. The open borders means literally anyone can walk through, carrying as many high powered weapons as they like. Not a single British person has joined the “SO CALLED ISLAMIC STATE” And that’s a fact. Security will be much better outside the EU… why?

Because it just will alright? We have the information! Don’t listen to what the Stay voters have to say, don’t be drawn in by their propaganda.


Terrorism is caused by the marginalised and the vulnerable being targeted by positions of trust and authority and can crop up in any society anywhere, regardless whether we are in the EU or not. In terms of security, it won’t be much different over all… I mean the French secret services wouldn’t keep us out of the loop if they uncovered a plot to attack Britain, just out of spite for leaving their club?




By 2020 they will have negotiated a trade agreement that will be mutually beneficial. Any negative impacts of leaving the single market will be negated by this point… in fact – it will be better. We will become a global power to be reckoned with.


We already have a pretty good deal that’s already been negotiated. Have you watched Game of Thrones recently?


All in all remaining in the EU would be completely catastrophic for us, but conversely leaving the EU will be just as catastrophic. We’re fucked. But ultimately, if you think about it… no one really cares.