Having paid very little attention to my Scottish ancestry up until now, my nan (from whom my apparent Scottishness comes) informed me that me, my brother and my half Nigerian sister have been officially registered and accepted into Clan Moffatt (and all the spelling variations that come with that name). Since then, I’ve decided to embrace my Scottish heritage and live like a true Scotsman. I have therefore become unnecessarily nationalistic, extolling the virtues of a small part of a tiny, impotent kingdom that sold itself out to the English because of failed colonial efforts. After the travesty that was Brexit, I’m now heavily campaigning for another Scottish independence referendum. I think it’s high time we Scots regained our sovereignty. Regardless of what Brexiteers think about the necessity of a United Kingdom. They say it’s even more important now that we’ve voted to leave Europe in order to regain their sovereignty.
In learning more about my clan and the Scottish blood that courses through my veins, I learned that for many generations, we had a feud with Clan Johnstone. Since then, I have been keeping an eye out for any possible Johnstones. I’ve discovered there everywhere. Not necessarily bearing the name Johnstone, but like Scottishness, it’s something that goes beyond blood. Anyone can be a Johnstone. This guy for instance. He’s a proper Johnstone.
Johnstones represent everything that is wrong with society today. They exist on both sides of the current pollical chasm, through which a river of shit runs. Johnstones make up the reactionary right, spewing bile and hatred. They are bloated bigots supping from frothing tankards of privilege.
Johnstones make up the fascist left, using language and the notion of offence as a means to control. They are identity-obsessed and feel if they shout loud enough they can get their way, no matter who stands in their way. These whining weasels dine on smashed avocado on toast, buttered with privilege.
Johnstones are the sick fuckos who burn effigies of Grenfell tower whilst laughing gleefully. They are also the twats who write articles demanding they be tried for hate crimes rather than just calling them sick fuckos and moving on with their lives. Unfortunately, you can’t make being a tasteless piece of shit a crime – prisons are too crowded as it is.
Johnstones infect every layer of society. They are the loud, swaggering types drunk on cheap lager in a children’s park. They are the self-entitled middle-class mothers whining that their mocha is not mocharey enough. They are the disenfranchised youths that walk the streets with knives and lament the lack of opportunity, despite the fact that education is free (up to a point) and there are numerous initiatives trying to provide more. They are the conservative politicians who disregard these youths without a second’s thought, despite the fact that they might have a point (might, still no excuse to stab someone; being pushed to sidelines to be forgotten is no excuse for being a cunt).
I don’t know you, but I’m fairly certain you’re a Johnstone. Even I’m a Johnstone, and I’m a Moffatt, who hate Johnstones.
Deep down, we’re probably all Johnstones. Except maybe Liv Tyler and that’s only because I’ve not seen much of her since her Arwen days. Rose tinted spectacles and all that. Horny, spermy teenaged spectacles that look all angsty.
The world will be a better place when it has been washed clean of all Johnstones. Which judging by recent climate reports will probably be around 2030.