Stop banning things!

I quite liked Jamie Oliver when he first started appearing on television. I liked his lack of pretension and his passion for good, hearty meals. Alas, his hatred for chicken nuggets drove him off the edge of sanity and he ploughed right through the British education system. No chicken nugget was safe, no burger could escape his wrath and he practically erased the Turkey Twizzler from the history books.

Whilst to some extent I can appreciate what he tried to do and applaud the strength of his morals, I really wish the self-righteous prick would now kindly fuck off. If he could take the British Government with him that’d be a bonus.

A letter organised by the chef prompted the UK government to contemplate banning two-for-one deals on junk food. This is of course in a bid to tackle the growing obesity crisis. Which is the last thing you’d want to tackle, as it’s likely to hurt and feel very sweaty. If that’s not enough, the government is now set to follow France’s example by banning free refills on sugary drinks. Apparently, we’re all going mad for these deals and hitting the machines with reckless abandon. In a few instances, this has led to people drowning in Pepsi. These people have not been identified because the sugar rotted all their teeth to nothing and therefore could not be matched to dental records.

The UK’s problem with obesity is apparently a problem. I can accept that to a certain degree. I saw three fat people today. It was hot and one of them had their shirt off. This is definitely a problem. I don’t want to be seen as body shaming, but if your body is unsightly, you shouldn’t be showing it off. I have the opposite problem. I’m so skinny that if I decided to walk around with no shirt on (because I’ve had a stroke or mental breakdown) I’d look like a skeleton and all the local necromancers would assume I was their servant.

To quote Wikipedia “In 2014 62% of adults in England were classified as overweight (a body mass index of 25 or above) or obese, compared to 53% 20 years earlier.” That was four years ago, so I can assume that the figures now show that 99.99% are now considered overweight and that there’s just one man somewhere in the Isle of Wight who’s considered healthy and he’s deeply unhappy because he’s forced to do all the jobs that require movement as he’s the only one that can climb stairs without getting out of breath.

What’s interesting to note is that twenty years earlier in 1994 more than half the adult population of England was considered overweight, but nobody seemed to give a shit (maybe that’s why hoho!). Why is that? We might ask. Is it a problem now because it’s putting unnecessary strain on the NHS? Is it because we have become increasingly obsessed with looks and therefore anything that doesn’t fit within very strict criteria is deemed undesirable? Or is obesity simply an easy target for news outlets to pad out a slow news week, rapidly ageing TV chefs to hang on to in order to remain in the public eye and for governments to talk about to avoid any of the more pressing matters?

They are all interesting answers, but ultimately irrelevant. What matters here is that the British public is at risk of simply rolling over and accepting nannyism of the highest order. Once upon a time, we were free to make our own choices. Each individual was responsible for their own actions and had to accept the consequences and accept we did, albeit with a great deal of anguish. Once upon a time, a festival would not have been cancelled because some people died taking ‘bad drugs’ as opposed to the really good ones that everyone should take on the reg. Instead, there’d just be a statement released saying “When you ingest substances you or a friend or even a friend of a friend bought from a stranger, there’s a small chance that might not end well. Take them at your own risk.”

On the one hand, we have the government, doing its best to ‘help us’, by relieving us of our right to choose. It started with the smoking ban. I myself hate smoking and think all smokers are fucking idiots (don’t get me started on vapers). I don’t see how anyone could get the urge to stuff some shredded leaves into a piece of paper, set it on fire and then inhale the result, but I don’t want to stand in the way of people making this truly foolish choice. Whilst it’s nice that I can sit in a pub and not have it smell as though it had recently caught fire, it was the start of something almost sinister.

Now it’s gone further. Tax on smoking was raised and then there was the plain packaging law because apparently bright coloured packages with pictures on them might encourage children to smoke, despite the fact that children can’t buy cigarettes. Then they were printed with death threats on them: “smoking causes tumours which cause you to die”, “smoking puts your children at risk”, “If you smoke, we’ll come to your house and get you.” It went on and on until someone decided that they have to be kept behind a locked cabinet and no one can look upon them. In turn, these cabinets are sealed with potent magic and should anyone ask for some tobacco they are immediately sent to re-education centres.

Whilst all this went on, adverts started to emerge warning us ignorant masses that drinking is quite dangerous, and we should all do so responsibly. Which was a shame as my dad used to spend his days drinking whisky whilst juggling chainsaws at the same time as cooking soup. Addled by the alcohol as he was and focusing on both the chainsaws and the bubbling soup, he didn’t notice my brother gnawing on the loose wiring. Since he was warned that drinking two pints can lead to you killing a woman with a magic table, he has changed his habits.

Alcohol tax has risen, and all bottles and cans now come with a ‘drink responsibly… or else’ tag. Some have even called that booze should come in some plain packaged forms because the government won’t be happy until everything is packaged plainly, even the people.

I can’t shake the fear that alcohol will one day be banned, and pubs will only be able to sell Coke. That is of course as long as they only sell one Coke per customer. It’s mad. Mad I say.

Combine all this with the ban on junk food deals and unlimited refills and we’ve got the beginnings of the perfect conspiracy. The government are habituating us to the regular removal of our rights. They take away tobacco, to keep us healthy and we applaud it. They clamp down on alcohol for our own good and we say, ‘fair enough’. Various foodstuffs and sugar we say ‘well… okay.’ Then they say, ‘we’re getting rid of all immigrants for your safety!’   and before you know it they’ve got rid of our right to vote because we can’t be trusted to use it wisely.

On the other hand, we have the incredibly vocal members of public who are also morons. The type that see fat people, or become fat themselves and cry to the government “and what do you plan on doing about this? Look at us. We’re disgusting.” As they cram their fourth Krispy Kreme into their greasy faces because they were on offer. “You need to do something. Look I can’t stop, I’m reaching for my fifth!”

Or worse, there are those who demand that the government think of the children. Who fear for the future of the wee bairns. If you care about your children, maybe don’t let them have more than one fizzy drink and cook them some damn vegetables. As for other people’s children, you’re not allowed to decide how they should be raised, unfortunately. I say unfortunately, because there are a lot of children living in my area who are going to grow up to be dicks and would benefit from a good old-fashioned beating. But as I say… not our place. I don’t know I’m drunk.

Stop banning things. Nothing good has ever come from banning something. If you want to raise awareness of the increasing obesity and diabetes issue, just say before someone buys an unlimited drink that they do contain a lot of sugar and might make you fat. Unless the person is already fat in which case they’ll know the drill.



It’s Hot.

It’s currently sunny and hot. I hate both those things. I don’t know why everyone’s so big on the sun, it’ll be the thing that eventually kills us all. People bemoan the rain. Claiming how it’s always raining, forgetting the fact that it’s plenty of rain that allows for production of crops and you know, all that water we like to drink – especially on hot days.

Rain is great, I love the rain, even beyond its life giving properties. Rain stays outside, it creates a nice ambience, it freshens the air. Same with cold, once you’re indoors with a jumper on, you’ll be alright. Sunlight on the other hand barges into your home uninvited and stabs you in the eyes. The heat is stifling, preventing sleep and worst of all, it brings people outside in droves.

Due to poor life choices and a job market in tatters, I currently work in a pub. It’s awful and if I’m still working there by July I’m finding a bridge to leap off of.  It’s a bank holiday weekend and it’s set to be a hot and sunny one, which means these fucking people are going to all think it’ll be a good idea to go out and get a beer and sit in the pub garden. All of them will think this, regardless of my opinions on the matter.

Then once they’re there they will think “let’s get some food” and who’s going to have to take that food out to them, burning their fingers just so they can stuff their faces? Me that’s who. Fucking sun.  some time ago it rained a lot and no one came out, I got to sit at the bar and do the crossword, it was good, I only had to cheat 3 or 4 times and the rest I texted my dad for answers.

I might not make it through till Tuesday.

I have read that this year is set to be hotter than last year, which was hotter than the year before that, which in turn was hotter before that and so on and so forth. This displeases me for a number of reasons.

A few years ago when I was still at school, global warming was mentioned everywhere. As a society we were very concerned about it. It was on the news on a daily basis. Now it barely gets a mention. We seem to have stopped caring. Admittedly, it’s very difficult to keep caring about it and not go insane with the knowledge we have killed the planet.

I have done some reading to find out where we are at with the global warming stuff. The most recent thinking is that, we’ve fucked it. We’re past the point of no return and the rising of the sea and the roasting of the land is inevitable. There are not enough life boats to save us all, many of us will have to go down with our little island. The polar bears will also die.

The fish will be okay… apart from all that plastic.

With that in mind, will we view the hot summers with suspicion and dread? Will we stop using our cars so much, stop using so much plastic and all en masse tell China to get their shit together? No, you’ll all go to the pub and make me work hard. Drinking away the worry until the world around you turns to desert, or you’re swept away by a tidal wave filled with dead polar bears and Asda bags.

I hate you so much.

Good Evening Fellow Human… I Appreciate Your Appearance


Through reading these letters you are connecting yourself with me. Just by rolling your eyes over these words

Meaningless words.

you are forming a bond with me, that given the right circumstances might be stronger than that between lovers. Between the best of friends.

Or is that too deep for a Monday evening? Is that the pretentious ramblings of an alcohol fuelled fool?

I don’t know, but I have some poems for you if you’re interested. If you’re not. then what are you still doing here?

Imagine if I was a duck. How cool would that be?

I’d go…. Quack! QUACK!

But I would not quack a third time, as that would just be silly. I’d likely be shot, or disenfranchised from the duck and poultry community.

anyway, poem the first.


One day, far in the future,

I may look back and


maybe, just maybe, at this moment

I was on the


of happiness.


And in my idleness I’ll discover

that ecstasy comes not just from

a lover.

it comes from another

just willing

……………………………to be.


With all their intricacies and

complexities, they feel completely

at ease.

just being.


and one day far in the future

I’ll look back

and wonder why I didn’t

just be. Why I tried so hard

not to be me just to see

if you’d still be.


but at least I will know

even if I didn’t show

that I was very close

……………… so close.

to being happy.



There that was nice wasn’t it? No? Everyone’s a critic these days.


Imagine being all alone. In the world, imagine if everyone disappeared. That’d be quite nice wouldn’t it? I could sleep all day then without people poking me with sticks and telling me to do things. I wouldn’t have to pretend to care about people and their problems, and problems and their people.

Hah, remember that time when I said imagine if I was a duck?


this poem is called BORED.




I’mbored! Bored bored bored bald

hah, I just said bald, bald. imagine being bald

imagine saying bald.


sometimes you can say  words so  many times they lose all meaning.

like I Love You.

I hate you.



I’m so fucking bored.


There. That was some improv poetry, but there’s no way of proving that is there? Was it off the cuff poetry? or was it meticulously planned? You shall never know.

the greatest trick the Devil pulled …

….. was this really good one where he made it look like his head fell off… but it didn’t. Was pretty cool though.