After losing my job for using company software to instigate office wide rap battles, I have decided it is time to start acting my age and enter the real world. So, with that in mind I have been pitching television ideas. Here are some that have been rejected.
A children’s TV show teaching the value of conformity. The tag line is “There is no greater feeling than fitting in.” It has an educational element, using maths and statistics it teaches that with 7 and a half billion people in the world, it is highly unlikely that everyone will be unique and that realistically most people will be dull and uninteresting. Striving to achieve dreams ultimately leads to disappointment and unemployment, whereas simply turning up and doing your bit without pomp and ceremony leads to a steady income and a reliable economy.
The Team of Global Stereotypes:
A bit like the X-Men, only every character is a stereotype of some description… so actually quite a lot like the 90s version of X-Men. Led by the bowler hat wearing, tea swilling English leader “Joseph Badteeth” Chad ‘Gun Toting’ Americanson from the deep south must lead his team of borderline racist caricatures against the evil Gwylim the Unboxed, who cannot be put into a box and his team of Quirkies. There were talks of getting Christopher Lee to come back from the dead to voice Gwylim, but ultimately they fell through as he was demanding the power to change the script. He wanted to change ‘maybe’ to ‘perhaps’, fucking diva.
The Community Support Officer:
The wannabe policeman Derek Swaby is a high functioning alcoholic community support officer who gets results. He deals with loiterers and litterers with his unorthodox mix of violence and psychological games. Not being an actual police officer he has not the power to arrest. One day, he moves along a group of loiterers, unaware that they happen to be the notorious “Stabby loiterers”. He goes home to find them loitering in his own house having stabbed his family and littered for good measure, that’s when he decided to take the law into his own hands. He rejects the role of Community Support Officer, and instead becomes ‘The Officer who Supports his Community.”
The Butcher, The Baker and the Candlestick Maker:
Like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but with the above professions. Obviously, there will be no spying, but they do have a punch up in a car park.
A cooking show that takes it back to the basics. Episode one: How to Boil Water, is a 45 minute step by step guide detailing the process of boiling water. Episode two: You Did it Wrong Didn’t You? Another 45 minute episode repeating the steps of water boiling for those that couldn’t manage it.
A group of archaeologists sit at a dig site simply to show that they are in fact archaeologists. They are tasked with describing what the far future will be like, based on wild assumption and absolutely no evidence. These assumptions are then submitted to the government who have to make decisions based on these predictions because science.
The entertainment industry is a ruthless one. Only those willing to persevere in the face of failure and rejection can succeed. One day I will be a rich TV man and you’ll all be clawing your way through the muck and grime of normal life. Fighting over the scraps we members of the cultural elite deign to give you.