Well it wasted a bit of time.

I haven’t posted in a while, mainly because it seems an exercise in futility, but also because I’ve been busy with work and life (which is mostly work). I have an Instagram (@entirelyforced) for my ‘art’ as I realised using a blogging platform to show off pictures was foolish when there is a tool especially for that, which has a bigger market too. Anyway, I recently sent a novel off to a literary agent and I thought as a way to cope with the imminent rejection I’ll write my own rejection letters.

Here’s one that made me chuckle (yes I laugh at my own jokes, as some one has to).

 

Thank you for your interest in our company and the submission of your manuscript, we thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Unfortunately, it is not what we are looking for at the moment. You see, publishing is a dying industry. Had things been different and your work was published you would not have earned any money from it anyway, it would have been copied and put on the World Wide Web in pdf format, the most disposable of all formats.

However, these are trivial matters considering the environmental challenges humanity faces as a whole right now. Arctic sea ice is at an all-time low, and global temperatures are rising faster than scientists previously predicted, as a result, harvests around the globe have suffered. We are vastly over populated, stretching our extremely finite resources to capacity. The planet is dying, and we all played our part in its death, hastening natural temperature fluctuations and failing to do a thing about it despite dire warnings. So publishing your book ‘about some bloke doing a thing’ would seem a rather trivial thing.

Even if the world survives its current plight, our doom seems assured. Petty disputes and wars occur each and every day. Religious zealots pray on the young, the isolated and the vulnerable, rallying them to an absurd and destructive cause in which the result is always the deaths of innocent bystanders. As a result the displacement of people is so severe that the infrastructure of neighbouring countries simply can’t handle such a sudden influx – though more distressingly they don’t want a thing to do with these poor unfortunate souls who had the audacity to be born in another country and have no right to a life in another.

Social media and the constantly connected world has left those not in immediate danger of death, has left them isolated and crippled with insecurity and severe neurosis. Body dysmorphia is currently more prevalent than it has ever been 50% of the western world are prescribed anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications.

The future is a bleak vortex of doom at best and humanity is no doubt in its final and desperate stages. We are soon to shuffle off this mortal coil making way for the next dominant species. The whale perhaps.

So no, we shall not be publishing your ‘funny’ novel as we see nothing to laugh about! We suggest you give up, purchase a gun, crack open a bottle of Macallan and save yourself.

Yours sincerely,

A Redundant Figure.

Throw Enough S***.

EPSON MFP image

 

This is a famous moose, it is Famoose. A variation of this drawing is on an old entry of this blog somewhere, so if you were looking at it and thinking – that is entirely plagiarised, it is. I plagiarised myself… and anyone else that’s said Famoose before, which I’m assuming is quite a lot of people.

 

Throw enough shit and you’ll eventually hit someone you dislike.

That’s a family motto of ours, my kin and I have always been angry, bitter and hate filled. However, the general point of the motto is, perseverance is key. Keep working away at something and eventually you’ll get somewhere. This is a common theme. Perseverance is the key to success. If at first you do not succeed, try and try again.

And yet, it is said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So, logically speaking, the key to success is insanity.

Insanity is all well and good in and of itself, but it’s not really sustainable, it’ll get you killed in the end. So, in that case, what is the key to success? More to the point, if success is what we all crave, why do we keep it locked away with only one key cut and then lose the key? We humans are ambitious by nature, back in the day when most mammals looked at large and dangerous predators they thought ‘fuck that, let’s run away.’ Whereas humans thought ‘One day, I’m going to punch that so hard in the face that it dies, and then I’ll wear its skin as a symbol of my power!’

We succeeded in that, or at least some of us did otherwise we wouldn’t be here – or at the very least there’d be more predators running about – like sabretooth tigers and that, not those weird aliens from the Arnie film and a string of other shit films.

That was a time when success meant survival. These days survival is sort of expected, in fact with the emergence of takeaways it’s really easy – you don’t even have to leave the house. If you find yourself dead at the end of any given day, then you’ve obviously done something very wrong, or stupid.

So, what do we mean by success these days?

It’s either lots of sex or lots of money.

With free to use online dating services becoming readily available, it’s now fairly easy to get sex (depending on your standards of course) and you only have to leave your house once. So money, money is the mark of success now and very few of us have any.

There seem to be many ways of making money, I was speaking to someone the other day who was earning enough money to pay his rent and bills with his own jam making company. So he was making and selling jam. JAM!

So, why aren’t we all making Jam? It can’t be that hard.

Where I work, those at the top are on a tremendous sum of money. I sometimes see them about the place, with self-satisfied grins on their faces and taking long, elegant and expensively trousered strides. One would suspect, given their high salaries that they have difficult and stressful jobs. They do not. From what I can tell, their jobs are to tell others to do some work and to walk around looking important.

So how come they are successful? Have they spent years and years flinging shit in the general direction of people they don’t like? Who knows? I’ll ask them one day.

I’m just bored and had nothing to do, my Xbox broke.

The FuzzyRambler