Scientists across the globe are showing extreme concern in regards to the latest findings that the planet is slowly drifting further from the sun. A recent scientific study, overseen by scientists, using science has concluded that since Tuesday the Earth has travelled as much as one hundred thousand miles outside of its usual trajectory. If it continues in this manner, we will on the outskirts of the solar system by the end of next week, which will be a bit chilly, it is recommended we all go out and buy woolly hats.
Why this is occurring is as yet unknown, though some hypothesise it is the planet’s natural response to global warming. The cows are in on it, they’re directing their gasses in one concentrated direction, propelling the Earth ever outwards. Once we’re in a safer position we’ll enter our new orbit, increasing the length of the year by two months, which will be nothing but beneficial to the global economy.
Others believe that Earth has grown frustrated with the rest of the solar system, and the fact that unelected officials on Jupiter are imposing cosmic laws upon the rest of us, impeaching individual sovereignty, so therefore is opting to leave. This will only be catastrophic for diplomatic relations and the strength of Earth currency.
Donald Trump however blames Mexico.
Terrorism is another possibility. MI6 claim Isis may have built a giant rocket and is deliberately diverting the course of the planet to cause widespread devastation. An Islamic State Spokesman, John McJohnson has gone on record saying ‘Yes… yes we have done this. Fear us Fear us all.’ But others claim there has yet to be any physical evidence to support this claim. Not even a photograph.
This shift of course, will change the face of the planet’s agriculture. We will have to learn to adapt. The one demographic that will most certainly benefit from this change are the Polar Bears. A polar bear spokesman Felicity Fluffykins had this to say.
“Grr, grrr, rarrr rarr. Grr, grrr grrrrrrrr RAWR!”
Downing Street has urged the public not to go out and panic buy at this stage, which as the general public know, means that we should all go out and panic buy. People are screaming and running around buying as much Monster Much or Anti-frizz Hair product as their arms can carry.
Is this the end of the world… as we know it? Probably, but it’s no worse than before.