Planet Drifting Out of Orbit

Scientists across the globe are showing extreme concern in regards to the latest findings that the planet is slowly drifting further from the sun. A recent scientific study, overseen by scientists, using science has concluded that since Tuesday the Earth has travelled as much as one hundred thousand miles outside of its usual trajectory. If it continues in this manner, we will on the outskirts of the solar system by the end of next week, which will be a bit chilly, it is recommended we all go out and buy woolly hats.

Why this is occurring is as yet unknown, though some hypothesise it is the planet’s natural response to global warming. The cows are in on it, they’re directing their gasses in one concentrated direction, propelling the Earth ever outwards. Once we’re in a safer position we’ll enter our new orbit, increasing the length of the year by two months, which will be nothing but beneficial to the global economy.

Others believe that Earth has grown frustrated with the rest of the solar system, and the fact that unelected officials on Jupiter are imposing cosmic laws upon the rest of us, impeaching individual sovereignty, so therefore is opting to leave. This will only be catastrophic for diplomatic relations and the strength of Earth currency.

Donald Trump however blames Mexico.

Terrorism is another possibility. MI6 claim Isis may have built a giant rocket and is deliberately diverting the course of the planet to cause widespread devastation. An Islamic State Spokesman, John McJohnson has gone on record saying ‘Yes… yes we have done this. Fear us Fear us all.’ But others claim there has yet to be any physical evidence to support this claim. Not even a photograph.

This shift of course, will change the face of the planet’s agriculture. We will have to learn to adapt. The one demographic that will most certainly benefit from this change are the Polar Bears. A polar bear spokesman Felicity Fluffykins had this to say.

“Grr, grrr, rarrr rarr. Grr, grrr grrrrrrrr RAWR!”

Downing Street has urged the public not to go out and panic buy at this stage, which as the general public know, means that we should all go out and panic buy. People are screaming and running around buying as much Monster Much or Anti-frizz Hair product as their arms can carry.

Is this the end of the world… as we know it? Probably, but it’s no worse than before.


There Ain’t Nothin’ Human about Humanity Anymore

According to Bing there are 8766 hours in a given year. I will have to verify with Google later, as Bing can’t be trusted, it means well, but it’s just not as bright as its older brother. On average, we work 8 hours a day five days a week, which equates to say 40 hours a week. Times this by the 52 weeks we have in the year and we get 2080. Let’s say on average we get 7 hours sleep in a twenty-four hour period. 7×7 = 49, multiply 49 by 52 and we have 2,548 hours. 8766 – 2548 = 6218. This number represents our waking hours when we can do things. So as it stands, we spend roughly a third of our waking lives at work.

You might be saying ‘that’s not a particularly accurate template. I mean all jobs are different. The number of hours vary, it depends on how much we get paid and how many holiday days, and when we retire. There are far too many variables to consider to make a statement with an air of mathematical certainty.’   To which I would reply… SHUT UP!

There ain’t nothing human to humanity anymore. I often say in a gruff, Hollywood style voice to anyone willing to listen, which isn’t a large number. Those that do tend to say, ‘Get on with your work.’ Or ‘that’s all well and good but you still need to pay your council tax.’ Every day, when my alarm goes off, all I want to do is go back to sleep, just for another hour or two… sometimes I wish to sleep until the seas rise and send us all to our watery graves, paving the way to the fishman civilisation of the future. Is that so much to ask? Just a little bit more sleep? Apparently, for a human, that is a ridiculous request.

Every other creature on the planet, upon waking, if they want more sleep, would simply put their head down and continue. I had a dog once, and it was all she’d do. How I envied that fat spaniel. So, we’re not allowed to sleep if we’re tired. But at least we have a roof above our heads. The habitat of the human, the buildings that symbolise our advancement.

But do we?

That costs money… a lot of money. These days so much money that soon no one will be able to afford to rent and we’ll all be living in the woods as all the buildings stand empty. (On a side note, I was recently unable to afford my council tax. The council was very understanding, they sent me a letter saying ‘you haven’t paid your monthly instalment of £144. If you don’t pay within six days you will lose your right to pay in instalments and we will demand the full payment of £1,280.’ I can’t help but feel they are somewhat removed from reality, they exist in a world where the higher the number, the easier it is to pay. Give it long enough and I’m sure I’ll be getting a letter saying ‘can’t afford £144? Not to worry, we’ll just take it in blood.’)

In trying to earn money, to keep a roof above my head so I can have a bed that I’m not allowed to sleep in when I want, I have a job – which I’ve already established takes up a third of my waking life. In this job, we’re told we’re not allowed to text from our phones, no communication to the outside world. Whenever we leave our desks we must state where we are going, and then also state when we have arrived back… because though people might be able to see us, there’s every chance that our minds have melted into oblivion and are no more.

I sarcastically email my manager every time I go for a poo, and then email him when I am back from my poo, giving him details of the pooping experience. He is not amused, but it gets me through the day. The words ‘standardised’ and ‘processes’ are thrown about so frequently that they have lost all meaning. If anyone has the misfortune of being a minute late they are reprimanded and publically humiliated. We must produce weekly reports of the work we have done in order to prove we are doing it. Any display of humanity is swiftly dealt with. We become reduced to numbers, all clad in grey jumpsuits. Every so often a face will appear on our computer screens demanding we submit to the will of middle management (on another side note, what is the point of middle management? They’re like an appendix; they’re useless and serve no purpose, but everyone’s got one, and every so often they burst ruining someone’s day). All for a measly 19k a year.

You may be saying ‘this is little more than an exercise in catharsis! What happened to the posts where you’d just put a number of ‘funny’ drawings that you did?’ to which I say to you SHUT UP! One more outburst from the likes of you and I’ll have you evicted from the internet!

So, at least we have the social aspect right? The very thing that defines humanity, separates us from the animals… those lucky lazy animals that just sleep and eat, occasionally having a break from both to have sex. Bastards.

Do we?

Adult life drastically reduces the number of friends you have. Those from your childhood have moved on and are busy working. The people you meet as adults are those you work with, and we hate them. By the time you eventually get home, having waited hours for a bus or sat in the never ending streams of traffic, you are tired and hungry. You eat some dehydrated noodles and go to bed.

If you don’t you may sit and stare at your computer screen, or the screen of your phone, or at a mirror in a daze, thinking it’s a screen. You try and poke and swipe at it, try and get some porn on it, but the only naked person it will show you is you, and you disgust yourself. You’re haggard, your skin taught about your skull, eyes shadowed with fatigue and glassy with dejectedness. Your shoulders are stooped from being hunched over a computer all day. Your mind has been reduced to mulch from boredom, your chest hurts with loneliness.

The thing that looks back at you is not human, but some sort of skeletal husk. It may have been human once. It may have had the potential for humanity, but modern life has squeezed it out of you. The constant pecking from automated systems demanding money which you don’t have, the constant bleating of managers, the squealing of alarms demanding you wake up; the constant rejection from people denying you the right to hold another individual and weep for the loss of humanity, it’s all taken its toll.

Google says it’s 8760, nice try Bing.



EU Referendum False Facts

(the below is intended as a bit of silliness. I feel the need to say so in case I’m accused by one of my 6 viewers of misrepresenting arguments)


The EU Referendum is rapidly approaching, I wrote on this matter some time ago, there it is. Due to the way time works, it is now closer than it was back then. The thing is, I thought the Stay campaign had it in the bag, what with the support of most business and professionals across a wide range of specialities, whereas Brexit has Boris Johnson and Donald Trump.

However, speaking to people about the whole thing, we may be genuinely at risk of leaving the EU. It’s a difficult to one to debate, because upon trying to come out with arguments people stop you midsentence. ‘You have been led astray by propaganda!’ they will say, ‘What about ….’ And then I say ‘You’ve been led astray by propaganda. Lies, deceit and over exaggeration all of it.’ This point of the argument can go on for some time.

As it stands, it seems none of us really know what will happen should we leave, or what will happen should we stay. It’s safe to say, most of us know nothing and rely on the people that should know something to inform us, but it turns out, they don’t know anything. So, for the first time, I am going to present an objective, unbiased review of both arguments along with all the facts and figures required for you to make a rational decision come voting day.


It is true that it costs a large amount of money to be a member of the EU, the figure seems to vary depending on who you speak to, but under the freedom of information act, I asked one of the top guys in the EU and he informed me that the current cost of membership stands at £1.2 billion a week. There is a premium membership that costs £2.1 billion which allows you more storage space and free marketing, but we don’t currently go for that one… I mean we’re sceptical about being a part of it in the first place.

The Leavers state that this money could be put to better things, namely the NHS. However, I don’t think this is wise at all, I mean they’re only going to spend it all on drugs!

More’s to the point, we have quite a large amount of national debt. If we save this money, it won’t be ploughed into the NHS, it’ll pay off the international loan sharks that’ll break all of our legs if we don’t. Or, it will be wasted on shit we don’t need. Think about it, that’s just human nature. If you get a tax rebate, you don’t save it or spend it on important things like paying your council tax or investing in your child’s future. No, you go and buy lots of expensive stuff you have absolutely no need for.

So you can see the argument is flawed here.

The Stay campaign reason that this membership fee is vital, as currently the variety offered by Netflix isn’t as good as it could be, and the EU is currently working on some interesting productions. Sure we could stream it illegally, but then you wouldn’t be supporting the industry.

However, this is a contentious issue as we could just buy the DVDs.




If only our ancestors knew when they left Africa to populate the rest of the world and breed with the Neanderthal what an issue they were going to create. They set a trend for people wanting to go to other countries.

Unlike their counterparts – Emigrants, who are fearless pioneers, taking their jobs and skills to better other nations, immigrants are lazy. They make no attempt to integrate with their new home, they keep adding sections to supermarkets – I mean what the fuck is a Polish sausage? What’s wrong with a good old fashioned English Sausage? It’s all very well these immigrants coming over here, but the sudden influx of their sausages is just something our infrastructure can’t handle! They steal everything not nailed down and if it is nailed down they steal the nails anyway.

Of course you could take the leftist view that immigration is a boon to the economy and wider relations. That growing up in a more diverse society is socially and politically healthier. But as soon as those opinions leave your mouth they’ll be snatched up by a thieving immigrant.

Or you could take the middling view that immigration is neither good nor bad, it purely depends on the level and the economic climate, but then you’d be boring and no one would invite you to parties.

Brexit has taken a strong stance in immigration. If we leave the EU, anyone with a vaguely foreign sounding name will be immediately deported and the highly skilled jobs will be given to native English people, regardless of their qualifications. Those that sit on benches early in the morning drinking foreign beers will be replaced by good old fashioned English alcoholics drinking proper English beers!


They don’t really mind all that much. They quite like Polish Sausages. Everyone’s pretty chill. Within the EU everyone likes everyone and we shouldn’t put up barriers man. Staying in the EU is good for everyone. Why?

Because it is that’s why!



As is well documented, UK citizens are peace loving creatures by nature, and all terrorists come from abroad, utilising the freedom of movement the EU allows. There are no checks required in this. The open borders means literally anyone can walk through, carrying as many high powered weapons as they like. Not a single British person has joined the “SO CALLED ISLAMIC STATE” And that’s a fact. Security will be much better outside the EU… why?

Because it just will alright? We have the information! Don’t listen to what the Stay voters have to say, don’t be drawn in by their propaganda.


Terrorism is caused by the marginalised and the vulnerable being targeted by positions of trust and authority and can crop up in any society anywhere, regardless whether we are in the EU or not. In terms of security, it won’t be much different over all… I mean the French secret services wouldn’t keep us out of the loop if they uncovered a plot to attack Britain, just out of spite for leaving their club?




By 2020 they will have negotiated a trade agreement that will be mutually beneficial. Any negative impacts of leaving the single market will be negated by this point… in fact – it will be better. We will become a global power to be reckoned with.


We already have a pretty good deal that’s already been negotiated. Have you watched Game of Thrones recently?


All in all remaining in the EU would be completely catastrophic for us, but conversely leaving the EU will be just as catastrophic. We’re fucked. But ultimately, if you think about it… no one really cares.


If Love Makes us Human, I Wish to be a Potato.

The majority of us will occasionally have day where we get punched in the heart. Depending on how attractive/charismatic you are (or in most cases the lack of such qualities) you may experience this on a number of occasions. I am of course referring to that oft mentioned feeling of unrequited love. If you have never felt this, then fuck you.

We’re obsessed with love and the loss of it, and the never having of it with particular persons. Just look at the history of song writing. Sorrowful love ballad after angry ‘why don’t you love me song.’ In order to understand this feeling it’s key to understand just what love is. Now the best minds throughout time have struggled with this one. It is in essence, what makes us human. There are infatuations, which can range from mild to severe, crushes, which are always mild… and there are the odd ones where you fall in love with an actress you’ll never meet and email her agent video clips of you weeping.

Then there is that feeling. The profound, inexplicable feeling that rests in your chest and drops down to your stomach and then shudders through you whole body. This is the real deal. This is love, and it’s scary and irritating and disrupts your sleep, and makes you late for work, then they say “why are you late for work?” And you say “I’m in love!” and they say “Well whatever, we’re docking your pay!”

There is no explanation from this. That is what makes it a truly human feeling. It is safe from the clinical eyes of the scientist who has a deep rooted obsession with trying to break things down into their constituent parts and give them long, sciencey sounding names. It is separate from lust. For when you get this feeling, sex is often far from your mind. In fact, you will be prepared to watch an entire season of that ‘Unbreakable Kimmy Shmidt’ sitcom with them, just to be in the same room. To give you an idea of just how profound that statement is, the ‘hit American sitcom’ is awful… it is, my flatmate watched the whole thing, and even when I wasn’t in the same room I was filled with the urge to smash some plates and use the shards to gouge out my own eyes. Words do not do this feeling justice, so to adequately describe it, I want you to start screaming. Not in a shrill way, nor a scared way an interrupted, disjointed scream that has no external cause.

Have you done it?

I’ll know if you’re lying… good.

Now there are two things you can do (technically three, but the third involves snapping and murdering everyone) when this intense feeling of love is not reciprocated by the unwitting vessel of your adoration.

  1. Act cooool it doesn’t really matter. It’s only feelings at the end of the day… nobody died (apart from you… on the inside) let’s continue with an amicable friendship. Push those feelings down, bottle them up until they mature like a fine wine.
  2. Go down fighting. List, in a reasonable way, all the reasons why loving you would be beneficial for everyone. Make sure they know just how you feel. Play them the above sound clip if needs be. Fight back against all their arguments. If they bring out the line ‘I just don’t like you in that way’ thinking that would be the end of it, grab a hold of their leg and scream “LOVE ME!” whilst oceans of tears leak from your besotted eyes.

Neither one does much to quell the potent brew of sorrow, regret and anger. Yes there is anger, anger directed at the world for being so cruel. Why give you these feelings if they will amount to nothing? Save to bolster record sales?

People will try to placate you, play down the tragedy that has befallen you.

“There’s plenty more fish in the sea.” Is what many like to say. Alas, this is an outdated phrase as, due to over fishing and pollution, our fish stocks are rapidly dwindling. The phrase should be “there ain’t many fish left! Fuck, what have we done?”

I get the point however; there are lots of people in the world (potentially incorrect use of the semi-colon there, please feel free to say so). The laws of probability dictate that no matter how unlovable you are, someone will be able to power through for the sake of killing loneliness.

When you are reeling from a shattered soul, a pulverised heart and a crushed mind this is not helpful, especially if it comes from the person you love.

There may be plenty of fish, but those stricken by love are taken by one fish. And, this phrase seems to forget the old adage: it’s quality, not quantity that matters. There is no helping at a time like this. The only course of action is to drink a lot and be alone with your self-pity.

In the weeks that follow, the outside world will become a terrible place. It’s filled with them. The happy people. The people that walk around holding hands with their significant other, desperate to show the world just how happy they are. Look! We’ve found love, isn’t that nice? They’ll parade this love before you, mocking you with it. Some will even go so far as to embrace – in public! Fuck them. They are bad people. Happy people are terrible people.

Every person you meet will somehow, unbidden, mention a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You, being bitter and twisted will enquire as to the quality. Hoping to pull at a thread that unravels their love, leaving it one ruined and smelly knitted love jumper. TAKE THAT LOVE!

But they’ll disappoint you ‘we love each other!’ of course they do, or worse – they’ll be in that content stage of a relationship, where they are effectively one person, their love doesn’t need to be spoken, it’s evident in the fact that they have week long arguments about washing powder. People who don’t love one another don’t waste time with such conflict.

Love is painful. It’s very very painful.

If love is what makes us human, I wish to be a potato.


The Endless Cycle Continues

It’s Monday morning and here I sit back in the office at ten to seven having successfully managed to avoid inevitable conversations about the weather. You know how it goes:

  • There’s weather today.
  • Yes, there was slightly different weather yesterday.
  • Hmm, I did not approve of that weather, but this weather is marginally more pleasing to me.
  • I wonder if there’ll be weather tomorrow.

Despite the fact that we don’t really have weather anymore, just one endless stretch of mild. Occasionally there are floods.

The weekend went too quick, that we are all in agreement. I went for a poo on the Friday evening, when I finished it was Sunday afternoon and I had ironing to do. I didn’t do it, as any person that chooses to iron of their own free will has officially given up on life. Now, the cycle continues. I sit in a place I despise to do something I have absolutely no interest in, in the hope I have enough money not to starve (I am already overdrawn).

We humans certainly made a mistake all them years ago when we invented the week and what we were to do with it. We decided a week would last 7 days, 5 week days, and 2 weekend days, which surely are still week days… they’re part of the week which as previously stated lasts by definition, 7 days.  We will work for the 5, and then have 2 days off.  It boggles the mind, that at this meeting no one raised their hand to say: “I see where you’re coming from, I love the ideas, I’d love it even more with one minor change. Let’s work for 2 days, and then have 5 off.”

If we did that there’d be no unemployment, as to keep businesses going companies would have to employ more people to cover the week. Yeah we’d earn less, but we’d all earn less, so the laws of economics dictate the value of money will change and we can all go on as normal.  (My knowledge of economics is limited. All I know is no one has any money as it stands anyway.)

Though I suppose back then, when the week was invented by Mr. Charles Week, the people that decided what to do with it were the ruling elite, and as such didn’t have to work, it was the role of the plebs to do that.

But as John Prescott said in 1997 “We’re all plebs now.” Which as we all know, led to the Plebgate scandal. Which involved a bike at some point if I recall, I think John Prescott was on a bike as he said it. A tandem bike, with Tony Blaire on the back.

I suppose I should do some work now.