The Lonely Egg.

What’s this? Two posts in one week? Unemployment must really be eating away at you Mr. Rambler. Perhaps now you regret failing to gain any useful skills that might benefit you in the real world.

Pah. I say, PAH! I’m an artist, I create! I need not fulfilment and self-respect. I need a pencil and a piece of paper. I need an instrument to make euphoric sounds…. I need alcohol to stave of the woeful voices of doubt and the crushing loneliness — Ahem… forget that last bit.

My delusions have developed to the stage where I actually invested in some sketching pencils. These are the result of three days of battling boredom and feelings of futility.

This is called, ‘The Glass Is Both.’

It is more scientific in its approach. Many people have asked me, ‘is the glass half full or half empty?’ or used that ridiculous phrase  in some form or another. It’s a figure of speech that has always enraged me because, it is clearly both! If it’s half empty, logic dictates that the other half has to be full, otherwise it’d be completely empty surely. People may say I’m missing the point but I’m not. The glass is both, it’s both and it doesn’t really matter, the important thing is the glass is intact. I don’t know what that really means in terms of the metaphor but here we go.

 

the glass is both

The next piece is called ‘Some Sorta Satire.’ I have a sibling who is a great deal younger than me. Occasionally, I am charged with the responsibility of retrieving her from school. I used to oh so funnily refer to schools as ‘temporary child prisons’ because I’m so funny, so funny that most people’s humour detectors are overwhelmed and they just stare blankly at me, but it’s okay. However, in my recent endeavour to retrieve said child from said school, I had to pass several gates, one of which they did not unlock until dead on 3:15, and even then, they sent each child out one at a time only after the child had identified their parent. Talk about being protective. It’s a far cry from when I were a lad, and the second it hit 3:15 we were released into the wild with the teachers’ voices ringing in our ears ‘It’s 3:15 you’re no longer our problem, now fuck off!’ this is in pencil so you may have to click on it to see it in all it’s fantastic detail.

 

 

some sort of satire

 

‘Man Hides Under Slowly Dematerialising Piano’ – I feel this needs no explanation.

 

piano

 

‘The Lonely Egg.’

Now I personally think this sight is one of the saddest in all known reality. One solitary egg alone in the box made for six. You may be thinking, really? An egg? With all that’s going on in the world, war, viruses, death, famine and abject poverty, one egg isn’t particularly sad. You’d be wrong. It’s lonely and will never fulfil it’s eggy purpose. No one’s going to bother scrambling 1 egg. A 1 egg omelette would be fit for only a tiny mouse, and they don’t eat eggs as far as I’m aware. And only a freak would spend all that time boiling just 1 egg! It’s destined to just sit in that box until the end of time.

lonelyegg

‘The Man Who Missed Armageddon.’

Here we have a man slumped over his desk, doing something decidedly adult, like filling out his taxes or other such nonsense. The early rise and the monotony of life has led him to fall asleep with his nose pressed against the line ‘if your monthly outgoings exceed…’ All this of course means he remains entirely unaware of the nuclear catastrophe that’s occurring just outside his window. The cat’s watching it though.

… and he barely touched his ‘books to read before you die’ pile.

 

endofworldcat

 

That’s your onion as they say.

 

The Fuzzy Rambler.

I Found My Ukulele

Which means bad things occur.

I haven’t posted for a while, this is for several reasons. Mostly I am lazy and can’t be arsed with publishing my every thought these days. Instead I thought I’d try my hand at the stage and try and speak my every thought to various inebriated strangers in the hope that they laugh. It was going well, sort of, but I had to battle crippling stage fright, which re-ignited old anxiety issues, which led to me getting drunk regularly, which led to me not getting out of bed. Which led to me giving up entirely, which led to me rescheduling a recently cancelled gig, and starting the whole cycle over again, so to combat the fear and hatred of everything in the world, I made a ukulele cover of Radiohead’s ‘No Surprises’, the video sort of got a bit out of hand. Please enjoy, other wise I’ll cry.