It’s often stated that only boring people get bored, ironically it is usually said by incredibly boring people. If it is true however, I must be the most tedious person in existence. I’ve become so bored that I’ve done the ill advised thing of coming to the internet to discuss how bored I have become. To explain the title, I thought f boredom could kill, then by becoming an economics lecturer I could easily commit mass murder without suffering legal ramifications. Not that I like that idea, it’s just one of the various thoughts that swam their way through my consciousness today, along with others such as, if I painted myself green and stood very still in a forest, would I eventually be considered a tree? I know many there would be plenty of biologists out there who would respond ‘Don’t be so fucking ridiculous, ever ask something like that again I’ll gut you and fill your hollow carcass with sea bass…’ or something like that, but in my defence, I didn’t dwell on it particularly long, it came unasked.
As you can see this amount of boredom can do bad things to a person’s mind. The usual methods of boredom relief can only lessen symptoms for so long before they become ineffectual. Like, ‘read a book,’ ‘Go outside’, ‘compulsively masturba– err.. read a book again.’ It’s got to the point where I’ve read literally every book ever written, discussed or even mentally conceived, past, present and future. Literally. I challenge you to prove otherwise.
So to aid others in a similar predicament, I have compiled a list of boredom combating activities that are in no way made up on the simply to entertain me for about 10 minutes.
1. Bake a cake so large you can fit your head in it.
– Who doesn’t like cake? especially ones you can consume from the inside. You can imagine you are some kind of burrowing parasite.
2. See how many pieces of stationary you can tape to your head before you realise its inherent ridiculousness and start to hate yourself.
– I managed 9 including a stapler and a lever-arch file.
3. Drill small holes in your feet and slowly fill them with liquid cement in the hope that…..
— Even I couldn’t think of a worthwhile ending for that one.
4. Write and inane blog entry about boredom with a whimsical tone to it.
– Warning: Not particularly effective, inspires regret.
5. Dress up as a Smurf and go knocking door to door.
– Don’t worry about what happens after, the hilarity should come naturally.
6. Invite a friend over, dress up as two Smurfs and go knocking door to door.
– If done immediately after number 5, choose different houses.
7. Invite many friends over so you can construct the Smurfs clan in its entirety and then just have a fight.
– Preferably in a public area. Warning: requires lots of friends.
and I’ll stop there, as I know a lot of people don’t like odd numbers and hopefully this will eat away at them for sometime. If you actually read this, know that I am filled with pity and respect in equal measure.